Year: 2025

Turning Towards Each Other

Rabbi Ben Herman , , ,

One of the challenges with Parshat Ki Tisa is that it deals with turning away from the proper path rather than turning towards it. After our ancestors made the golden calf, G-d said to Moses “They have been quick to turn aside from the way that I enjoined upon them.”[1] Because they turned away from G-d, G-d turned away from them, proclaiming “I see that this is a stiff-necked people. Now, let Me be, that My anger may blaze forth against them and that I may destroy them…”[2] Moses, however, intervenes, refusing to let G-d destroy Israel. He says words which we repeat every fast day: שוב מחרון אפך והנחם על-הרעה לעמך; “Turn away from Your blazing anger and renounce the plan to punish Your people.”[3] In so doing, Moses makes two very important points: Israel remains G-d’s people as opposed to a “stiff-necked” people independent from G-d, and G-d does not need to turn away from Israel just because they have turned away from Him at this particular moment.

The term “turn away” struck me because of the work done by marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman writes that the married couples he see who turn towards one another at times of conflict stay together 86% of the time, whereas those who turn away from each other stay together only 33% of the time.[4]  In our tradition, G-d and Israel are a couple, bound together by a ברית, or covenant, just as a married couple is bound by a Ketubah. In our portion because Israel has forsaken its end of the bargain, worshiping other gods, G-d is going to follow suit and strike them from the earth-that is until Moses intervenes. He says to G-d, ‘calm down; take a chill pill,’ and he gets G-d to refrain from forsaking the covenant. וינחם ה על-הרעה אשר דבר לעשות לעמו, “G-d forsook the evil that G-d had said he would do to His people.”[5]

There are two reasons to speak about this today. First we are celebrating the milestone 60th anniversary of Ed and Gail Fishkin. This power couple always turns toward each other out of love and affection. Of course like every couple, especially good, old-fashioned New Yorkers, they argue with each other as well as with me at Shabbat Torah Study. However, that’s what makes things entertaining. We should all learn from Gail and Ed to be selfless, generous and of course have an acerbic sense of humor and not be afraid to challenge others.

The second is to celebrate the baby naming of Leona Eli McCracken, daughter of Sara Harbarger and James McCracken. Today Leona was given the Hebrew nameדבורה  סימא, after Sara’s maternal grandmother Elsie and great aunt Dotty. The name Sima means precious, or treasure. Your little 3 month old is truly a treasure who blesses you each and every day with her smile and her cooing. Every time you are stressed, please turn towards this beautiful little face; it should put you at ease. Devorah is the name of our people’s greatest prophetess, who foresaw the defeat of the Canaanites and their general Sisera. In modern Hebrew it means bee. James and Sara, we hope and pray that your little bee will showcase her feistiness and strength, in the example of prophetess Deborah.

Ed and Gail-I know that your love for one another will continue to grow stronger. James and Sara-I know with the new addition of סימא דבורה that your love for one another will blossom in new ways and your family life will flourish.

My prayer for you, Gail and Ed, Sara and James, is that you always turn towards each other and towards your loved ones, recognizing that your family bond and your partnership supersedes any specific issue at hand. Mazal Tov on the celebration of your anniversary and your baby naming. As we celebrate here at Mosaic Law Congregation, let’s sing siman tov u’mazal tov.

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[1] Exodus 32:8

[2] Exodus 32:9-10

[3] Exodus 32:12

[4] https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

[5] Exodus 32:14

Lighting the Ner Tamid

Rabbi Ben Herman , ,

          Parshat Tetzaveh has a couple of strange features. One is that it is the only Torah portion in Exodus through Deuteronomy not to mention Moses’ name. Another is that its beginning, the lighting of the Menorah, towards, but not at the end, of a chapter (Exodus 27:20).

          Rabbi Elliott Cosgrove of Park Avenue Synagogue gave a D’var Torah about this to the Executive Council of the Rabbinical Assembly, for which I am privileged to begin my second year of service. He pointed out that chapter divisions come from the 13th century, from the Archbishop of Canterbury, Stephen Langton. Langton connected the נר תמיד, the eternal light, with the accoutrements of the משכן, the tabernacle, as found in Terumah. In contrast, the rabbis had viewed it as connected to the obligations of the High Priest, so it goes in Tetzaveh.

          As Rabbi Cosgrove argued, the communal obligation of the משכן meets the priestly obligation of lighting the נר תמיד. In other words, the community needs to work together with the leadership, with the two meeting halfway.

          I think about how the rabbi meets with the congregational leadership. In a breakout session, Rabbinical Assembly and United Synagogue CEO Jacob Blumenthal shared that the two things that make for thriving congregations, more than demographics, are a visionary rabbi and a collaborative lay and staff culture. This makes sense: synagogues need to have their Board and staff working in concert with one another and must have a vision of where they’re going. Without these two aspects, there is confusion and tension. A rabbi without a vision is a functionary; a congregation not in harmony with its staff can breed toxicity.

          How does one achieve this? The sermon Rabbi Cosgrove said he is giving this Shabbat is the leadership of Vashti versus that of Esther: when do we need to stand on our principles versus when do we need to compromise/adapt? That is a false dichotomy-at times one certainly needs to do both. With that being said, to adapt Israel Salanter, a rabbi who never takes a stand is no rabbi; a rabbi who refuses to compromise is a fool.

          Our challenge as a congregation is to light the eternal light steadfastly holding to tradition, while recognizing that like the משכן we must move and adapt to new circumstances and new situations. Finding the balance between the two can be tricky; however, we need to put in the work to make it so. We also must remember not to fear כי אהיה עמך, for God is with us in this holy work.

Being Present Rather than Constantly Doing

Rabbi Ben Herman , , , ,

          It is such a pleasure to be here for the Shabbat aroosi (“Shabbat wedding”) for David and Danielle. I have done my share of aufrufs during my rabbinic career, but this is the first Shabbat aroosi -celebration of the couple the Shabbat after their wedding. It was an honor to have yours be the first wedding I have officiated at Mosaic Law Congregation, alongside Cantor Noah Rachels and Rabbi Emeritus Reuven Taff.

I will never forget a conversation I had while doing a rabbinic internship at the Jewish Council on Urban Affairs in Chicago. Two days a week I went into South Chicago to intern at the Inner-City Muslim Action Network: a Jew working with Muslims to do criminal justice reform mostly for inner city African American Christians. I am by nature a person who likes excitement and adventure, wanting to change the world, and I was frustrated that some days were very slow at the office. I spoke with my mentor, Kyle Ismail, who said to me, “Ben you care about doing, but just your being present here means a great deal.”

I was flummoxed by Kyle’s statement: being present? Aren’t we supposed to be doing things to make a difference? After all, we do a lot in Judaism, whether it is preparing for Shabbat, coming together for daily minyan, or designing and participating in programming like our 125th Anniversary Gala on May 18th. Yet I think there is an inherent truth in knowing our personal limits and when we must undertake some tzimtzum, changing our focus from constantly doing things to being present with whatever we are encountering. After all, we are human beings, not human doings. Moses is often thought of as impatient, one who wants to lead through action, yet even he is required to wait 40 days and 40 nights for the stone tablets to be written by the finger of G-d at the end of Parshat Mishpatim.[1]

Also, towards the end of Parshat Mishpatim, our ancestors demonstrated that they were all for doing. They said כל אשר דבר ה נעשה ונשמע-all that G-d has spoken we will do and we will hear.[2] At times they were impatient and overeager to do, such as when we read the making of the golden calf.[3] At times one needs to be present rather than rushing to do-a lesson I’m reminded of all too often.

With Thursday’s horrific events in Israel, I wanted to rush and do something. We had a moving service where we read 2 psalms and did a communal Kaddish during our Mincha/Maariv minyan on Thursday evening. However, I recognized that being present with our congregation was meaningful in and of itself. Never lose sight of the impact of your presence. Also please join us at Beth Shalom on Tuesday for a memorial service and vigil of solidarity.

The question of doing versus being reminds me of a Talmudic debate. Rabbi Tarfon and the Elders were reclining in the loft of the house of Nit’za in Lod, when this question was asked of them: Is study greater or is action greater? Rabbi Tarfon jumped up and says “Action.” How many of us would agree? After all, we are a people who values deeds, subscribing to the maxim that “actions speak louder than words.” Rabbi Akiva, however, disagreed, asserting that study is greater. The other Sages agreed with Rabbi Akiva, albeit with a caveat: study is greater because it leads to action.[4] Studying Torah and Jewish texts and traditions have the potential to shape our mindset in making the best decisions that we can.

David and Danielle have demonstrated that thoroughly to me. I had the privilege of learning with Danielle for the last number of months. Before that, she took numerous Melton courses, and she has always applied her learning to her work and her community. David has grown not only through his Jewish education here in Sacramento but also taking on new roles in our Selichot play. Both David and Danielle will be in our Purim Shpiel next month-a script written by David’s mother Mehrnaz that is sure to delight 😊. This is certainly an active couple: between your demanding jobs, your numerous friends and your shared interests, you are always on the move. We are so happy to have you here today and to celebrate your love for each other.

          David and Danielle, at your wedding I gave you the advice to remain one another’s best friends, always putting your love above any frustration or disagreement at hand. Today I have different advice-always be present for one another when the other needs you. This is easier said than done with your demanding work schedules: Danielle being the manager of social responsibility for the Sacramento Kings and David being a tax lawyer focusing on commercial real estate. It will get even harder when (G-d willing) you have the children you desire.           I often share at weddings that whether you know each other for 9 months (as Karina and I did when we got married), 8.5 years (as you two did) or somewhere in between, something changes when you walk out from under that Huppah.  I can’t put words to it but know it to be true not only from my experience and from seeing the gleam in your eyes at the reception but also from watching the previous 21 couples at whose weddings I’ve officiated. This is a consecrated, holy moment that I want you to revel in and let it linger for a while. We are so happy to have reached this day, and I am going to ask us to recite together the Sheheheyanu for its arrival.

[1] Exodus 24:12 God said to Moses, “Come up to Me on the mountain and wait there, and I will give you the stone tablets with the teachings and commandments which I have inscribed to instruct them.”

[2] Exodus 24:7

[3] Exodus 32

[4] Babylonian Talmud Kiddushin 40b