religion

Being Present Rather than Constantly Doing

Rabbi Ben Herman , , , ,

          It is such a pleasure to be here for the Shabbat aroosi (“Shabbat wedding”) for David and Danielle. I have done my share of aufrufs during my rabbinic career, but this is the first Shabbat aroosi -celebration of the couple the Shabbat after their wedding. It was an honor to have yours be the first wedding I have officiated at Mosaic Law Congregation, alongside Cantor Noah Rachels and Rabbi Emeritus Reuven Taff.

I will never forget a conversation I had while doing a rabbinic internship at the Jewish Council on Urban Affairs in Chicago. Two days a week I went into South Chicago to intern at the Inner-City Muslim Action Network: a Jew working with Muslims to do criminal justice reform mostly for inner city African American Christians. I am by nature a person who likes excitement and adventure, wanting to change the world, and I was frustrated that some days were very slow at the office. I spoke with my mentor, Kyle Ismail, who said to me, “Ben you care about doing, but just your being present here means a great deal.”

I was flummoxed by Kyle’s statement: being present? Aren’t we supposed to be doing things to make a difference? After all, we do a lot in Judaism, whether it is preparing for Shabbat, coming together for daily minyan, or designing and participating in programming like our 125th Anniversary Gala on May 18th. Yet I think there is an inherent truth in knowing our personal limits and when we must undertake some tzimtzum, changing our focus from constantly doing things to being present with whatever we are encountering. After all, we are human beings, not human doings. Moses is often thought of as impatient, one who wants to lead through action, yet even he is required to wait 40 days and 40 nights for the stone tablets to be written by the finger of G-d at the end of Parshat Mishpatim.[1]

Also, towards the end of Parshat Mishpatim, our ancestors demonstrated that they were all for doing. They said כל אשר דבר ה נעשה ונשמע-all that G-d has spoken we will do and we will hear.[2] At times they were impatient and overeager to do, such as when we read the making of the golden calf.[3] At times one needs to be present rather than rushing to do-a lesson I’m reminded of all too often.

With Thursday’s horrific events in Israel, I wanted to rush and do something. We had a moving service where we read 2 psalms and did a communal Kaddish during our Mincha/Maariv minyan on Thursday evening. However, I recognized that being present with our congregation was meaningful in and of itself. Never lose sight of the impact of your presence. Also please join us at Beth Shalom on Tuesday for a memorial service and vigil of solidarity.

The question of doing versus being reminds me of a Talmudic debate. Rabbi Tarfon and the Elders were reclining in the loft of the house of Nit’za in Lod, when this question was asked of them: Is study greater or is action greater? Rabbi Tarfon jumped up and says “Action.” How many of us would agree? After all, we are a people who values deeds, subscribing to the maxim that “actions speak louder than words.” Rabbi Akiva, however, disagreed, asserting that study is greater. The other Sages agreed with Rabbi Akiva, albeit with a caveat: study is greater because it leads to action.[4] Studying Torah and Jewish texts and traditions have the potential to shape our mindset in making the best decisions that we can.

David and Danielle have demonstrated that thoroughly to me. I had the privilege of learning with Danielle for the last number of months. Before that, she took numerous Melton courses, and she has always applied her learning to her work and her community. David has grown not only through his Jewish education here in Sacramento but also taking on new roles in our Selichot play. Both David and Danielle will be in our Purim Shpiel next month-a script written by David’s mother Mehrnaz that is sure to delight 😊. This is certainly an active couple: between your demanding jobs, your numerous friends and your shared interests, you are always on the move. We are so happy to have you here today and to celebrate your love for each other.

          David and Danielle, at your wedding I gave you the advice to remain one another’s best friends, always putting your love above any frustration or disagreement at hand. Today I have different advice-always be present for one another when the other needs you. This is easier said than done with your demanding work schedules: Danielle being the manager of social responsibility for the Sacramento Kings and David being a tax lawyer focusing on commercial real estate. It will get even harder when (G-d willing) you have the children you desire.           I often share at weddings that whether you know each other for 9 months (as Karina and I did when we got married), 8.5 years (as you two did) or somewhere in between, something changes when you walk out from under that Huppah.  I can’t put words to it but know it to be true not only from my experience and from seeing the gleam in your eyes at the reception but also from watching the previous 21 couples at whose weddings I’ve officiated. This is a consecrated, holy moment that I want you to revel in and let it linger for a while. We are so happy to have reached this day, and I am going to ask us to recite together the Sheheheyanu for its arrival.

[1] Exodus 24:12 God said to Moses, “Come up to Me on the mountain and wait there, and I will give you the stone tablets with the teachings and commandments which I have inscribed to instruct them.”

[2] Exodus 24:7

[3] Exodus 32

[4] Babylonian Talmud Kiddushin 40b

Family Feud

Rabbi Ben Herman , , , ,

G’mar Hatima Tova. It’s so wonderful to see each and every one of you on the holiest night of the year. Parents reunited with children, grandparents with grandchildren, uncles and aunts with nephews and nieces, cousins with one another. For those with whom I have not yet had the chance to meet in person, I look forward to getting to know you over the course of 5785 and I also hope to deepen my connections with those who I had the opportunity to meet previously.

Last year on Kol Nidre evening I spoke about making amends. This year I am speaking about Family Feud. No, not irreconcilable rifts and arguments between family members but rather lessons learned from the game show Family Feud.

We can learn three lessons from Family Feud that apply to our lives. First, that when we are under pressure, we don’t always showcase the best versions of ourselves. On Family Feud we see people make bloopers and act out because of the pressure they feel, forgetting that it’s a game show. In life, we encounter pressures more serious than this. However, we need to strive to find ways to channel the pressure within our lives. Sometimes it might be through mindful breathing; other times it might a walk around the block or coming back to the challenge we face after a break or after saying “thank you; let me get back to you.”  On Yom Kippur, a day when it can feel like we have “nothing but time” we have the opportunity to take a break from daily living and reflect on how we handle difficult situations, as well as strategies for future improvement.

The second lesson we can learn from Family Feud is the flip side of this: not to take each other so seriously. So much of life is serious and we need moments to relax, enjoy and just be present. This is true on Yom Kippur as well. We often treat Yom Kippur as a somber day when we need to “afflict ourselves.”[1] In reality, it is the day on which we are forgiven from our sins, given a second chance in the coming year. We cannot lose sight of that in the midst of our introspection. It can be very easy to beat ourselves up rather than recognizing that we are human and make mistakes-the goal is to learn from them. 

The third and most important lesson from Family Feud is that we are all one family. The families which find ways to work out their difficulties in rooting for one another especially when there are strikes on the board and working together to “steal” answers are the families that do the best. In contrast, the families where tension leads to in-fighting don’t always fare as well. Yom Kippur is the perfect day to recognize that we are all one family. We say communal confessionals, as even if we did not do that particular sin, someone else likely did, and we do not want to embarrass them. Equally important, we recognize that we are all in this together. Sometime during the next 25 hours when engaged in personal introspection, take a look around at the sea of people joining you, to feel as part of a community with them.

On Rosh Hashanah I spoke about my vision for us being part of a strong, united congregational family here at Mosaic Law Congregation. Tonight at Kol Nidre, I want you to think about what you are doing to be part of that family. While families have conflict, tension and feuds, they also grow closer together when they recognize that the bond between them and the love they have for their congregation supersedes any disagreement or issue at hand.

Gmar Hatima Tova-I wish each and every one of you a good signature for a year filled with quality life, fulfillment and joy in 5785.

[1] Leviticus 23:32