It often feels challenging to me to talk about the women in our Torah portions because they are given short shrift and often portrayed as passive characters. Even in a portion entitled “The life of Sarah,” it is about her death and Abraham ‘s servant going to find a wife for Isaac. One of the more troubling motifs that appears 3 times in these chapters is a husband asking his wife to stand in as his sister. Abraham does this twice-with the famine leading to his descent into Egypt and when approaching Abimelech, the Philistine king. Isaac repeats his father’s behavior when he sees Abimelech in next week’s portion.
On the one hand, we can ask was this really a lie? In the story of Avimelech we learn that Avraham just didn’t tell the entire truth; after all Sarah was his half-sister.[1] They had the same father. Even if this was not the case, Jewish tradition would argue that a “white lie” can be said to preserve a person’s dignity,[2] all the more so to save a person’s life! Nevertheless, were Abraham and Isaac’s fear of being killed legitimate? Did they justify sacrificing their wives?
There is a rabbninic principle of מעשה לאבות סימן לבנים, that the actions of the fathers will be a sign for their children to emulate.[3] We never know what our children will learn from us and how it might manifest itself, directly or indirectly, in their lives. Isaac, who deceives Avimelech, stating that his wife, Rebecca, is his sister,[4] will in turn be deceived by his son Jacob with Rebecca’s help, who will in turn be deceived by eleven of his sons regarding Joseph. The cycle of deceipt has no end, from one generation to the next.
I wonder how Sarah and Rebecca felt about needing to play a role in this deception? Toward the end of this week’s portion we learn,” Isaac then brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he took Rebekah as his wife. Isaac loved her and thus found comfort after his mother’s death.”[5] We hear nothing about how Rebecca feels about this occurring besides her uttering the words “I will go,”[6] and only after her father and brother offered her to Abraham’s servant.[7] The only actions she takes after offering Abraham’s servant and his camels water to drink are passive in nature, without speech.[8] , -the origin of our bedeken ceremony-are without speech. We only hear Rebecca’s voice after she struggles to bear children and then after she is pregnant and has children of her own. How can this be the case that in portions that center on women-the death of one and the marriage of another-that they remain passive beings throughout the narrative?
While this leaves a lot of room for modern Midrash, I hope we can conversely recognize when our relationship with another is I-It rather than the I-Thou of Martin Buber in which there is equal partnership. It is important for us to recognize not only what is said but also when there is silence in the text and how we might be able to fill in the gaps of some of that silence. This year I am studying with the Center of Contemporary Mussar, learning about middot[9] and utilizing them in accordance with Emmanuel Levinas’ first philosophy: our “infinite obligation or responsibility to serve the other.” Often we think of other as having a negative connotation-being “othered” as not belonging or being made to feel less than, leading to one’s silence. It is my hope that each of us can be more present to be there for the important “others” in our lives, considering their wants and needs, just as I wish our patriarchs had done for their wives. In so doing, may we break the cycle of מעשה לאבות סימן לבנים, our ignoring the other being a sign for our children to follow.
[1] Genesis 20:12
[2] See Babylonian Talmud Ketubot 16b-17a regarding Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai’s responses to a bride on her wedding night.
[3] See Ramban on Genesis 12:6
[4] They were cousins. Interestingly, it says Isaac was מצחק Rebecca, the same verb to describe Ishmael’s behavior, by which he was expelled.
[5] Genesis 24:67
[6] Genesis 24:58
[7] Genesis 24:51
[8] falling from a camel upon seeing Isaac and veiling herself
[9] Character attributes
